A SOLDIER’S TALE
Veterans’ Stories
Vicki Azlin, daughter of U.S. Air Force veteran
Iris Musician: Ayano Kataoka, percussion
What would you give up for a simpler life?
As an adult child of an Air Force veteran, I sometimes still feel like a gypsy. Born in 1960 – I was Number 5 of 7 children. We moved in regular intervals while my father served and it continued as civilians after he retired in Georgia. He found employment in Memphis and that is still my home.
There are good memories from our time in Georgia that are clear as day - like the dinners at the Officer’s Club. Dressed in our best, my siblings and I danced together on the huge parquet floor, we ate to our hearts content and drank Shirley Temple’s while the adults sipped their cocktails. I was 3-years-old and it was a different world.
Georgia was also where the childhood trauma began for me - memories of being awakened and carried out of the house with my favorite blanket after a violent fight between the parents, waking with night terrors and begging momma to make it stop, learning how to become invisible or duck and cover when the fights began during waking hours. Going to the Base Hospital for medical care that a three-year-old should never have.
I also experienced my first fire in Georgia, thanks to my older brother - Number 4. We were playing in an outside storage room – well, he was playing with matches as I watched. He subsequently burned his fingers and threw the match onto boxes packed for storage. As the room filled with smoke, my brother would not let me out because he didn’t want to get in trouble. Thankfully, my two older sisters– Numbers 2 and 3 saw the smoke and let us out.
By the time we moved to Memphis, both of my parents were living with addictions they didn’t believe or accept that they had and I wish I could tell you things got better – but they actually got worse. Our family completely fell apart by 1968 – I was only 8 years old. The world at large was not much better, the Sanitation Workers were on strike in Memphis, Dr. King was assassinated and the Vietnam War raged on while college students protested. And my oldest brother – Number 1 – was stationed in Thailand sending missiles to obliterate the Ho Chi Minh Trail. I remember all of it, the world outside was as chaotic as inside my home.
As we grew in adulthood, some clearly had been impacted more than others by a family that must have been the picture of dysfunction to the rest of the world. The two youngest children – Numbers 6 and 7 – showed early signs of mental health issues and addictions. We were all damaged, but they died of theirs at ages 39 and 41.
My older sisters - Numbers 2 and 3 got married and started their own families. Number 2 moved to California in 1969– she had been my protector and did her best to help raise me. I was brought home from the hospital on her 10th birthday and she loved and cared for me like I was hers. I give her much of the credit for my survival. Numbers 1, 3 and 4 did not escape cleanly, but they learned to live with the memories.
I am Number 5 and learned a boatload of bad behaviors and made choices that most people are shocked to hear. I got pregnant at 16, married her father, had another child and the marriage ended at age 24. Despite all that, at 25 I got my GED and was accepted into the University of Tennessee and I graduated with honors.
I was blessed – no addictions – not that I didn’t tempt fate. But I did have a ton of dysfunction to unpack and deal with for the rest of my life. Alcoholism impacts everyone it touches especially children - violence, abuse, neglect, that lead to unhealthy feelings guilt, self-loathing, shame, anger - if you want a complete list read: “The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic”
And in my struggle to educate and understand my place in the world, I also found GRACE.
I found GRACE for my parents, for my siblings and from my children.
As a survivor, I can now offer GRACE because I was given GRACE when it was not deserved.
So, what have I given up for simpler life?
I gave up Anger, Resentment, Bitterness, Grudges, Shame, and Self-loathing
And through that I also give myself GRACE.
Musician’s Notes
Ayano Kataoka
I have never had an opportunity to communicate with veterans and their family in my life. Vicki’s story as an adult child of a veteran was something that I even hadn’t imagined - It was shocking and heartbreaking.
In the process of creating my musical response to her narrative, I tried to outline carefully from her momentum fun memory to rapid vulnerable tragedies, suffering and challenges, then conquering. One of my challenges was to figure out how much I would be allowed to express her agony in sound. As drum sound can be easily assaultive, I tried to be sensitive with the balance and portion of “drumming” section in her narrative. The most striking and moving word in her narrative was “grace” at the end, which I felt that it was the most important emotion to express as the final destination. I used a temple bowl in the end, which symbolizes healing soul to me that comes from my cultural background.
It was a meaningful experience throughout, and I would like to appreciate the members of Alpha Omega Veterans Services respectfully, particularly their courage to share their stories with us.
Brennae Brooks, U.S. Air Force
Iris Musicians: Steven Franklin, trumpet, & Jaime Morales, bass trombone
What do you hope for the future?
On a hot and dusty night in July 2009, I saw soldiers lined up along the main road on Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan. The soldiers stood straight and firm while preparing to salute the High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV) carrying the body of a fellow fallen soldier. Suddenly a rocket exploded nearby, and the soldiers scattered like wild rabbits in an open field. “BROOKS! BROOKS! WAKE UP! DIDN’T YOU HEAR AND FEEL THAT ROCKET ATTACK?” I sat up to collect my thoughts while looking around the room. I felt the building shake, but I thought I was still dreaming. I was sleeping when my roommate yelled my name, but without hesitating, I quickly jumped from the top bunk bed, put on my Kevlar helmet, ballistic vest, steel toe boots and grabbed my M-16 rifle and bullets. Taking one strong deep breath, I ran down three flights of stairs wearing heavy armor and carrying my weapon in hand. I ran across the dusty gray rocks to the nearest concrete bunker for cover. I could still hear the loud noise from the stones crumbling over the sirens, and within seconds I was covered in a layer of desert dust and sand while sitting in the bunker on a wooden bench. The rocks and the noise reminded me of my childhood days playing at my parents’ automobile repair shop. As my adrenaline rush faded, I looked down at the rocks on the ground and wondered if I was still dreaming. I remember thinking—is this it? Was I going to die? How did I get to this place? The sirens stopped, and we were instructed to leave the concrete bunkers to return to our dorms.
While my supervisor, Sergeant Roger, was back in sunny Florida (6000 miles away) enjoying life with his family and friends, he sent me an email on September 2, 2009, requesting that I digitally sign my annual performance review. I felt so confused. He gave me a below average rating, which I have never received during my military service. How could I be evaluated by someone that I worked with for 83 days. Indeed, I would not have to deal with a negative performance evaluation while surviving in a combat zone. Sergeant Roger also asked how things were going on my end. I gave a simple, realistic response, “Other than the occasional rocket attacks and suicide bombers here, I think I am doing better than most of the troops in the field, so I cannot complain.” He responded, “Glad to hear that everything is going well minus the occasional attacks, but that is expected at your location. The substandard rating is considered average, and for your rating period, this is where I see you have performed. I had to work with the actions that I saw before deployment, the information you provided me, and what those who are in charge, back at the home station gave me.” I suppose Sergeant Miller (the one who was scared to deploy) forgot to disclose that I replaced him for the deployment. The annual evaluation’s low ratings somehow made its way into the combat zone, but I never received any care packages from my home base. The evaluation went through the chain of command, which consisted of at least five people, before even getting to Afghanistan. No one considered that I was in a combat zone, and maybe it was not a good time to evaluate me so poorly. As fate would have it, I met an Air Force paralegal, Sergeant Chicago. He told me the regulations to cite, who to email, and he drafted up my responses. After the dust settled (no pun intended), I emailed Sergeant Chicago on October 19, 2009, and wrote, “Will you help me get into Law School? I want to do it. You motivated me, and now I want your help.” I volunteered to go to the military and to Afghanistan; now, I was ready to take my life to the next level. Due to that situation, by the end of the 6-month military deployment to Afghanistan, I decided to separate from the Air Force in April 2010 to pursue a legal career.
I became aware of some of the difficulties Veterans faced after separating from military service and I accepted a civilian government position with the United States Army Corps of Engineers in the Afghanistan Engineer District to transition into the civilian world properly. Yes, I went back to the same location that I had left. I needed to be reminded why I decided to attend law school. While in Afghanistan as a civilian, I still wore a uniform and worked for a military commander, but I had fewer restrictions. I focused on studying for the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) in my spare time. I even decided to take the LSAT while in Afghanistan, and on test day, I heard a rocket hit nearby, but I told myself to continue to focus on the test. I passed the test! I was not accepted into the law school in my hometown of Memphis so I decided to attend The Thurgood Marshall School of Law, Texas Southern University. At the end of my 13-month civilian deployment to Afghanistan, I moved to Houston, Texas, in 2011 and graduated in the top 25% of my law school class in 2014. I passed the bar examination the first time, and today I practice in an area of law that focuses on Veterans Disability Benefits. While working on hundreds of cases, I noticed that many veterans did not know the rules and policies for receiving their Department of Veteran Affairs (VA) Benefits so I decided to use my voice to become an advocate for other veterans. I moved back to my hometown of Memphis and started a law firm that is designed to help veterans understand rules and apply for their benefits. My hope is to bring my influence, experiences, and knowledge to bridge the gap between veterans and the complex VA claims system.
Musician’s Notes
Steven Franklin
When I first heard Brennae's story, I knew that this was going to be a meaningful collaboration. I started by breaking the story up into 5 main sections. In each section, a primary emotional idea was present (hope, fear, sadness, optimism, etc.) and I made it my goal to express these ideas in the music. As I wrote, it became apparent to me that using multiple styles throughout the composition would be most effective in conveying the content of her story. I added a blues section with plunger mutes, a siren effect from the trumpet to imitate a warning siren at the military base, and a serious but hopeful ending as she expresses her hopes for the future. In the end, I simply wanted the music to help her tell her story in a meaningful way and connect her hope and optimism with the hearts of others.
Lonnie Coleman, U.S. Air Force
Iris Musician: Danny Goldman, clarinet
Has there ever been a time when you ignored your instincts?
In the desert, the importance of a GPS and a regular map turned out to be an unforgettable moment. 2013 landing in a foreign territory (Kuwait) as a Master Sergeant provided major responsibility that includes an off-base driver's license.
It was four service members tasked to leave our current Air Force base to go to an Army post for a mission and to train two of us what it looked like driving on foreign soil. Prior to leaving base the head sergeant and another tech sergeant checked out a vehicle for the drive. The other service member and I tagged along so we could be trained on the different roads, signage and defensive driving methods. To my surprise the head sergeant came back to us after checking the vehicle out to say vehicle operations only had paper maps, all GPSs were issued out. The head sergeant said we will have to wing it with the map. I was totally surprised of this but figured these two knew what they were doing. Everything in me wanted to say let’s wait another time to go, but I ignored my instincts for the first time over there. But as mentioned I was new to the country, figured I’d trust their leadership.
Just before leaving base, we were instructed to remove our shirts so no one could visibly know we were service members...that was the rule. The head sergeant and the tech sergeant were in the front seat, the other service member and me were in the back seat. We finally made our way jumping on the highway viewing the sites of Kuwait. It was a common gathering of service men rallying together and doing everything we can to get to know each other in our quest to make it to this Army post. It was interesting viewing the desert sand, camels and strange faces in so many other vehicles. The signage on the highways was another eye catcher. We’re talking about kilometers and streets signs which were hard to pronounce.
After driving for more than an hour I started noticing the guys in front were struggling to make sense of the map. It appears they were unsure of the route they took. Unbeknown to me they said this is not the first time going to this Army post. I felt a bit calm, but they were struggling to look at the map and looking ahead at the signage trying to provide leadership in training us how this works in a strange foreign land.
To our surprise we notice this highway was headed in a direction where we could not turn off...it was Saudi Arabia! As we continued to drive, we all noticed this big banner just above saying something before Saudi Arabia (I’m assuming Welcome to Saudi Arabia) as we frantically kept moving forward. The head sergeant eventually said, “what do I do?” I was stunned, in fact I remember everyone in the car was totally stunned and speechless. There was nothing we could do! We couldn’t turn the car around on the highway, it would’ve been noticed. So, we kept driving towards what looked like a toll booth. All I can think about is if only I'd spoke up about the GPS we wouldn’t be in this situation. I thought, will I be caught in a situation keeping me away from my family? This couldn’t be that bad? Just stay calm dude!!
Well, here we go, as the driver of our car (the head sergeant) drove under the banner approaching what I called a toll booth, the gentleman in the booth took a strong look at the driver, then to everyone in the car. Our driver quickly said, “sir we’re lost, is it ok if we could turn around?” The gentleman in the booth looked really hard and appeared unreluctantly, but after what appears to be a long couple of minutes, he motioned to us to go on using his hand to go on in and make a U-turn and come back out. Our driver drove forward about 25ft and started turning around making a U-turn. We ended up in front of a different toll booth, a different guy who looked at us even harder as to say who are you guys and where did you come from. Our driver said the same thing, “sir we’re lost, is it ok for us to go through?”. The Saudi guy gave us a look as if he was pissed and wasn’t in a good mood. His eyes scanned everyone in the car. I can remember our eyes looking to eye to eye, but I veered away ensuring I didn’t light a fuse in this guy even more. After a couple of long minutes which appeared to be an eternity, he eventually from my peripheral vision swung his arm motioning forward us to go on.
After finally making it through, needless to say we all had a sigh of relief. We continued on and we finally found the Army base we were looking for. Ignoring my instincts was something I did not do again...at least not in this instance. After making it back to our Air Force base I vowed to keep a GPS with me no matter what!!!
Kevin Ferrell, U.S. Army
Iris Musician: Mary Javian, bass
When you were coming home from tour, who were you eager to see?
I yearn to see the unbeliever, who witnessed the downfall of an overachiever
Who loved something more than life itself, but had to leave her
On a quest to prove his worth, his pledge of a legion was not to this country, but to the one that gave
Birth to him on this earth, who wasn’t man enough to raise a man,
but more than women enough to lay
out a plan, for this journey called life, without a destination or anticipation of this trip called life.
Looking in the mirror at an image that he did not like, but wanting him to see that ya kind of got it right
If all you were taught to do was fight, why would somebody be upset when you fight, for wrong or right
we fight and it’s been that way all my life.
Peace to Dr. King, but I can’t have a dream and freedom ain’t gonna never ring, that’s why I scheme,
nightmares for dreams, awaken to the screams from those who would see this uniform as that of a
Hero, which ain’t nothing but a sandwich and no matter how much I fed him, he’s always famished
see almost three scores later finding out that he’s damaged………goods
it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, but if you only visit is it really your hood?
When you say hi and they say bye, I guess it’s the view, I want to see what’s new.
It’s like the world kept spinning but it didn’t include you.
wishing on the stars and reality is the bars, I couldn’t get to Venus because I got to many scars
Maybe that’s why I took the deal, but was all the promise really fulfilled?
Don’t worry about a thing, everything is going to be alright is a pleasant song
Prison in Jamacia now I hate that song
Early released for good behavior, I guess you can say I learned to bite my tongue
Far from being a failure with no fairytales to sale you
don’t do the crime if ya can’t do the time because there’s no one to bail you…....out.
The person I always wanted to see was always missing, He heard the same great advice I did but never
Listened. Maybe one day he’ll be able to get on with his life and nobody be able to talk him into
another mission.
Jesse Jenkins, U.S. Navy
Iris Musician: Maya Stone, bassoon
What is one way you honor the past?
One way I try to honor the past is to try to reflect/remember those moments and times that had an important effect on myself and those around me, hoping not just to honor the past but in some way to try and learn from it in ways that can help enlighten me in today's times.
So about 22 years ago, towards the end of 2000, I was getting ready to join the Navy for a second time. I had already enlisted once, right out of High school, In Michigan, Having had the honor to serve From 1988 to 1994, as an Aviation Storekeeper, having served in a variety of interesting places from the desert in Nevada to the icy wonderland that is Alaska to exotic Japan. Getting homesick and looking for "normalcy" I returned to civilian life in the states. Like many other veterans, I struggled with the transition, because of course everything has changed. So after a disjointed few years, I ended up living where my mother was born, in the great state of Tennessee, here in Memphis. I went ahead and rejoined the Navy, with the Reserves this time. The Navy Reserves was a good way to again be of service if in a part-time role and the so-called sense of normalcy seemed to return,
Then 9/11 happened. I had drilled that previous weekend on the Millington base and was like everyone else that tragic Tuesday in a state of shock. Why, How could this have happened? Of course, it was a particularly anxious time ahead for all of us. I was working at the airport, getting extended time in the Reserves that would take me to Florida, Virginia, and on an Aircraft carrier. It is the weeks and months directly after that September day that has to be from my perspective honored as well. It was a very tense time because the country had not long been removed from an incredibly divisive election cycle Bush/Gore than the tragedy. There was a lot of tension and there were factions of people not trusting others. I felt myself becoming disillusioned and sort of disconnected at this time as well.
A very important change started to happen around Memphis and the country around this time as well. Shockingly, different groups of people different communities, and different faiths began to fight thru the noise and find common ground. Small moments, There was a giant American Flag raised up around Downtown Memphis. A massive Interfaith gathering took place at this time. A collective reaction, a moment in time where It was as I people had decided they were going to refuse to hate and push forward. How do I honor this important moment from the past?
In addition to honoring the lives lost that day, I also wanted to honor the way so many communities came together the way they did. What is one way to honor the past? Short answer is to learn from it.
So 22 years later, coming off of a pandemic, once again we are in the midst of a divisive election cycle and locally a disturbingly violent year in Memphis. It’s understandable to get disillusioned and to go into fear of others’ mode about the world. But I use the learned experience from those past difficult times to remember that positive affirmation works, families, communities, and organizations like Alpha Omega will always be around to bring unity and hope to the forefront.
Musician’s Notes
Maya Stone
Jesse's story was beautiful, filled with truth, reflection and hope. Improvisationally, I chose pivotal moments within the text to focus transitional energy, and together we communicated our energy throughout his story in an intentional and deep way.
Kevin Payne, U.S. Air Force
Iris Musician: Marcin Arendt, violin
What possession(s) do you hold most dear?
It’s 1980, my military obligations had ended and I was headed home. I couldn’t wait to see my parents and my childhood sweetheart. I got a job, married her, and we were blessed with three kids. I was living my dream life complete with the white picket fence and a dog. Then it all came crashing down. I went to bed on top of the world and woke up with the world on top of me. I came home from working 12 hours and was holding my daughter, 30 days old, in my arms. I went to sleep and when I woke, she had passed away. My downhill spiral had begun. The pain was unbearable - if only I hadn’t fallen asleep. I had to be strong for my family, but in quiet I was devastated. I couldn’t and didn’t know how to deal with life without my baby. My marriage went downhill because we dealt with it in different ways. She became withdrawn and depressed. I turned to drugs and alcohol. We eventually divorced and I stopped living. I was just existing. The guilt was too much for me to handle and I sunk deeper and deeper into the abyss of drugs and alcohol. Then the unthinkable happened again. I was at the gas station with my son and his girlfriend and my 11 month old grandson. I was in the store and flirting with the salesperson, I heard shots, went outside and found my son lying on the ground. His last words to me was “I love you, Dad.” His girlfriend was also killed. The guilt came back worse than before. Again I resorted to the use of drugs and alcohol. Again. For many years my life was like quicksand slowly sucking me down. Until I went to Alpha Omega for help. They saved my life. Mr. Walker, Kevin Ferrell, and the other staff members treated me with love and kindness. Kevin Ferrell became the big brother I never had growing up. I owe all that I am to Alpha Omega. I’ve been clean off drugs and alcohol for almost four years. In 2021 my last child died from COVID, but thanks to alpha Omega and God I was able to make it through clean. My life is much better and I don’t sell my soul to the devil anymore. I am a productive, responsible citizen because of God and Alpha Omega.
Musician’s Notes
Marcin Arendt
Kevin Payne's interlude is such a life's journey, so in working together in it we felt that the music on the violin should reflect the various emotional states. An opening violin intro sets the scene with a gentle improvisation under the opening as Kevin describes his homecoming. The music disappears as the description of the downfall begins. As the story continues the violin returns & includes elements like specific rising lines & intervals to punctuate the story, culminating with an arpeggiated section symbolizing the importance of Mr. Payne's Alpha Omega family & the positivity they represent.